Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Confessions of a Potty Mouth Momma

Okay, so I'm just gonna say right off the bat that I acknowledge that I may be the only Christian mom out there who slipped up and said a cuss word in front of her kid. Snicker. A blog is a place where we can be real, right?

Kid number two took number three in the bathroom and locked the door. Prior to doing this, the heatherrrrrr I mean the munchkins took the tiny screwdriver out of the crack I keep it in up near the left hand side of the door frame. That screwdriver is how I unlocked the bathroom when it advertantly got locked for some reason.

So anyway, moving onward.....

I hear them in there rattling around in the medicine cabinet. I have a childproof mechanism on it but I can tell they're trying to push it in and get the door open. Panic sets in as I think of all the meds I have in there so I start knocking on the door. "Unlock the door now. Right now. RIGHT NOW! One. Two. . .if I have to say threee. . . ."

Nothing. I rattle the knob violently. "Let me in right now! No TV time. Do you hear me?" I flat hand my palm on the wood.

Profuse snickering.

Two minutes later I'm still counting to three and have counted to three enough times to hit 300. My heart is in my throat and I'm ready to splinter wood with my foot in about thirty seconds. From inside comes giggling and the ominous sound of the medicine cabinet creaking ALL the way open, AND then the sound of pills rattling around those plastic medicine containers.

You know the ones. The ones that my kids can open faster than I can though they're supposed to be childproof. Yeah.

So now I'm FUMING and scared. Being a nurse I'm terrified of them ODing on my stool softeners or something worse.

So I fist my hand and BANG-BANG! BANG. BANG. BANG! on the door in perfect time with this:

"OPEN! THE. DAMN. DOOR!"

Silence.

More silence. Then, "Uh. Oh. I tink mom's mad."

Yah think?

Click.

Four wide eyes are staring at me then my fist then my chest at which point I realize I'm heaving. I loosen my mouth because it hurts from clenching the teeth together. Think I probably lost a layer of enamel on that one.

So after explaining for the UMPTEENTH time why the med cabinet is OFF LIMITS and whoever gets in it may lose a hand...(Just kidding all you Child and Family Service people...honest) I think maybe they didn't think anything about the "D" word. . .even though my dh is staring me down with The Look. You know...the one where I know he's thinking, "Aw. Huh. And now they have one more word added to their vocabulary," kind of look.

"They'll forget about it by sunset," I told him. "Don't sweat it."

No matter that I kept them out of school the next day AND church two days after JUST to make sure.

So Tuesday of two weeks later rolls around and I'm going down the hall to get the toddler so we can go pick up her siblings from Christian school. Note: CHRISTIAN school.

Traitor baby is standing at her door. . .banging away. . .saying some such gibberish that sounds strikingly like, "Opie! Duh! Dam! Dam! Dam!"

Okay first off I never said it three times. So now guess what her favorite word is? Yah. At the grocery store. Sliding glass doors. "Opie dam door daddy." In front of the entire Wal-Mart. And he's giving me The Look again.

So back to Tuesday. . .blush. Cringe. BOTH of my daughters got a note. Well one got a note in her folder and the other lost a kangaroo out of her pocket because . . .yeah you guessed it. . .

They taught the class the NEW word. Only one of them actually demonstrated it though so it could have been worse right?
Yeah at church. . .now all of the jungle room kids know the "D" word thanks to me.

Sigh.

Baaaa-aaaad Mommy. The ONE time. . .okay okay, the *Maybe* fifth time I've said that word since I've been a Christian. . .and the ONE time I say it in front of my kids and it comes back to bite me in the da** butt.

Squirrel

3 comments:

Kaye Dacus said...

Oh, but imagine this scene in your next book . . .

donna fleisher said...

Well, at least you got their attention! Sometimes ya just gotta do what ya just gotta do.

Next time? Make them swallow a couple of the stool softeners. That'll learn 'em! ; )

Danica/Dream said...

You've only said a bad word five times? And it was only damn?

I surely am going to hell...