ME. That's me. A leaf tossed in the wind and I HATE it. God loves me so much and I know He's smiling at me right now...I can feel it. Because I'm having an "ah-ha" moment. Minister Graham Cooke has said something to the effect that "God will not speed up the development of your character just to launch your ministry."
Okay, this comes after group tonight. (Group is just home meetings with people from church. We visit, eat, have a discussion, then pray for stuff and one another. I love the group I'm in right now. It feels like family. People are real. I can be me and be at my worst which is really bad because even at my best I'm not very easy to get along with). SO anyway...during lesson, Garret talked tonight and through his and Brenda's discussion...God hit me hard. I was so stunned I didn't get prayer because I had to come home and process it.
I'm still not sure what all God meant but I left group with a VERY STRONG sense that God is about to ask me to do something. Thing is...at group tonight, He asked me numerous times, "Will you sumbit? Will you obey? Will you lay it all down again? Will you run after me hard like you used to when you first learned of my love? Will you trust me enough to tell me yes even before you know what I'm asking?"
Okay, first of all you must understand that I'm the type of person that cringes when someone says, "Hey...can you do me a favor?" I will NEVER say "Yes." or "NO."....although now that I think of it...that would be pretty funny to do--put on a serious face and nonchalantly say, "No." LOL. Okay so maybe not. Anyway, back on target, I will always say, "That depends." Or "I don't know." Or I'll say, "What?" when asked that question.
Since God knows me, He knows what a real test of trust that is for me to say yes to Him before I even know what He's asking. But...the bottom line is I DO TRUST HIM.
Sometimes I have to be like the man in the Bible with his unbelief, "Lord...I do believe a little, help me believe a lot."
So, my answer is, without hesitation, "YES, LORD." And "I do trust you a little Lord...help me trust you much."
Now what's been going through my mind since He impressed upon me that He's taking me into a new season? That He might ask me to give up my writing. All of it. For good. Okay, now sometimes when God asks us to give things up...He wants us to give it up without the slightest contemplation of being able to pick that thing back up again.
On the other hand....He could be tugging me into writing for publication. I just want to write as worship. DOn't get me wrong...publication is every writer's dream. At least most of us. The rest are fibbing.
He could be asking me if I'm ready to take the ride of my life. Am I ready for deadlines and navigating and author/agent/editor relationship that will launch my career.
I already left one career. Nursing. I left it to be with my children. I love to write, but my biggest desire in life is NO REGRETS. They're only little once, and there are no guarantees...unless God's promised specifially...that they'll live forever. So I told God in the beginning of this journey...unless this (writing fiction) is going to have an eternal impact for the good...I do NOT want to do it. Not one word. Fiction is meant to entertain, yes. I know this. But for me it has to be more than that. If only for me. If only for my children who learned by my example to chase the Giver and not the gift...to run hard after Him and cling with all out might not the dream but to the author and creator of the substance in our hearts.
And I have failed miserably. I'm an all or nothing person. So I have to be strict. I have to limit my IM time. I may watch TV two hours a month. If that. I gave it up not because I think it's wrong but because I needed to borrow time from somewhere.
Because God asked me to stop neglecting my relationships. Friends. Children. Spouse. Church family. Extended family.
My prayer today is to be cemented into his promises. Bound to his word. Fastened to his spirit, branded with his ever-presence. Devotion. Simple. Jesus. Sweet Jesus.
It's all about you. Everything in my life is about you. For you. From you. Through You. To you. Bring me back. Back to who I'm meant to be.
Whatever trip I'm about to embark upon...I'm ready, Lord..let's go. I know it's gonna be okay why? Because you'll be with me. You're always with me. I want to be with you, too. Not that I want to leave this earth mind you. Too much left to do. Watch my grandkids grow up. See my daughters and my parents point to a book on the shelf at Wal-Mart and say, "My mommy wrote that." Or "My daughter wrote that and I always knew she could and I always told her so."
True. They did. I love the thing on Angie Poole's blog.
I'm basically a visionary. So as Angie would say, "Lord, cut the bait....let's go fishin'"
Whereever you take me...I'll go. I'll follow you anywhere. Whether that means to the OR to get this hip surgery even though the epidural I'm dreading so bad. Even if it means stepping away from the keyboard and my characters more or totally. Or if it means the opposite...to be called as a novelist who's an undercover Christian. To write the stories you put on my heart without being preachy.
As many times as You ask me, Lord, I say: